Whimsical | Raised By Turtles

Awards

3 Jun 2020 (updated 30 May, 2024)

In which your hero is spared a life of arrogance and stunted creativity thanks to a relay race gone wrong and a pedophile.

The Best of Our Energies

1 Dec 2019 (updated 30 May, 2024)

The story of a visionary president, a moonshot and the most powerful toilet bowl cleaners known to man.

Best Practices (If Physical Mail Were Like Email)

29 Nov 2019 (updated 30 May, 2024)

Down at the pmail warehouse, I’m scuba diving in my Incoming bin and CCing people like a dervish. If only I could find time to do some actual work.

Ahwahnee, Majestic, planet, not a planet. Does it make any difference? For some people it’s a big deal. For me, not so much, but if I can just get investors for my hotel on Pluto, I can make the people who care very happy.

The Forgetoir

23 Jan 2018 (updated 30 May, 2024)

Picture of abandoned railway station in the desert

As we edge toward the third decade of the 21st century, I have decided that it is time to forge ahead with a new literary genre — the forgetoir, a record of all the things we’ve forgotten or, at least, are trying to forget.

I’d Like to Add You to My Network

11 Jan 2016 (updated 30 May, 2024)

The varieties of LinkedIn Connections seem so limiting.

A Theory of Dryer Crimes

19 Nov 2015 (updated 30 May, 2024)

Jason lived between a hammer and an anvil, between his wife and the Caledcotts

Your life is awesome? Great!

13 Nov 2015 (updated 30 May, 2024)

I’m troubled by how awesome you all are on Facebook. This is why my Facebook feed seems so impersonal

The Academy Weighs in on Life Hacking

2 Nov 2015 (updated 30 May, 2024)

There is no English Academy, like there is for French, to protect our language from Philistines. So I’m saying it here: if I ever say in seriousness that I have found a great new lifehack, please shoot me. There’s nothing left worth saving.

About Raised by Turtles

First and foremost: no ads, no tracking.

Second, this photo is really old now. I have a LOT more gray hair now.

Third, I actually lied in #1. I have added an ad for the Raised by Turtles book. I guess it's true: everything online becomes an ad-infested cesspool eventually.

Finally, this blog is maintained (to put it charitably) by Tom Lambert. Sometimes I have things on my mind and on rare occasions, I write them down. On even rarer occasions, people read them. If you like them, you're welcome. If you don't, I'm not offended. I don't like most things I read. YouTube is just one click away.

If you have a question, send me an email.

A few favorites

Improved Roads (thoughts on the loss of wild places)
The Forgetoir (a new literary form to replace the memoir)
A Theory of Dryer Crimes (fiction in which Jason turns out to be an asshole)
The Faithful Couple (a poem about long-term love)
Curriculum Vitae (a poem about learning to live)
Best Jeremiah Johnson Quotes (a movie to live by)
Ice Cream For Dinner (imaginary high school graduation speech; my chance to tell young people to stop listening to the lies of their elders)
The Boy Behind the Couch (reading Susan Cain and my secret life as an introvert)
Sarah's Watch (fiction fragment and experiment in writing with Hemingway App)
Learning to Read (and what makes a great reader).
Two Mirrors (the one in your head and the one in the head of someone who loves you)